Spirituality, Sex, and Banishing Shame

By Melissa Coats, LPC

Generations of women have been assured by the church that if they follow the purity rules and saved their sexualities for their husbands, they would be rewarded with a fulfilling marriage and a satisfying sex life. Promise rings leading to promises of the picture perfect marriage! Yet an overwhelming number of these women get to their wedding night full of hope, only to be disappointed, confused, stressed and in pain.

If this describes your experience, let me be perfectly clear…

You. Are. Not. Alone.

There. Is. Nothing. Wrong. With. You.

Hard to believe? There is a reason for that. Sexual shame causes the urge to hide and deal with feelings in private. The thought of someone confirming the negative thoughts that something is wrong or finding out you are all alone with this problem can feel devastating. So most women don’t say anything and suffer in silence while trying every trick the internet has to offer to increase their sex drive.

So let’s shed some light on this issue so we can uplift each other as women and not feel so alone and confused. With accurate information, support, and a growing understanding of female sexuality, it is possible to lead a satisfying sex AND spiritual life. 

On January 28th, we are going to talk about the common harmful messages about sex, why they have had such a strong impact, and what to do with all that information. We will discover why brain function and body development don’t always line up with the strict rules of purity culture and how to use brain chemistry in our favor.

Spirituality and sexuality do not have to be mutually exclusive. You do not have to give up one for the other. Both are important parts of your identity and make up the whole, magnificent person you were created to be.

Sex After Kids

By Melissa Coats, LPC

Having kids changes everything. And sex is no exception. With all the joy that kids bring into a couples’ life, most couples also fear how a growing family will affect emotional and sexual intimacy. This is normal! And the good news is that it is ok for your sex life to change after kids.

In the last blog post, we talked about how pressure and “shoulds” can affect sexual desire. One of the most significant barriers to a satisfying sex life after kids is the reluctance to allow sex and intimacy to change and be flexible throughout a relationship. I hear many couples comparing their sex life to what it was when they first met. Sex at the beginning of the relationship tends to become the “standard” for what we expect sex to look like throughout the relationship. The problem with this notion is that sex and sexuality are fluid and constantly changing! Although that may sound scary, it is actually very healthy.

People change. Circumstances change. We age. We go through periods of bliss and periods of grief. To expect sex to remain the same throughout all of the ups and downs and changes in life is unrealistic and can be very discouraging – which is an enemy of sexual desire! What works for you at 25 will most likely not work the same way at 68. What is pleasurable before pregnancy may not be as pleasurable after. But the good news is that sexual satisfaction can be available in every stage of life. The key is managing expectations.

When couples talk about their struggles with sex after kids, one of the first things I like to work on is normalizing change in the sexual relationship. Stop comparing your sex life now to the one you had 10 years ago. Even one year ago. It’s ok that it is different! Just because it doesn’t work the same way it did, doesn’t mean there aren’t other options for making it work now.

The second thing I like to do is work on managing expectations. If you are expecting sex every day after a newborn has just arrived, you are setting yourself up for a major disappointment! It’s normal to experience a lull after a baby arrives. It’s typical to experience periods of less sex sometimes in a relationship even without children! It doesn’t have to stay that way, but being flexible in your expectations about sex is vital. Allow yourself to be flexible and not resist changes in your sex life. Many couples are much happier and more satisfied when they can allow their sex lives to change with their bodies, life circumstances, and relationships.

We look forward to diving into this issue more in our upcoming workshop, Sex With The Lights On, coming Thursday, October 15th, from 8-9:30. Please bring your questions on this topic and any other topic related to sex!

When One Partner Wants Sex, And The Other Doesn’t

By Melissa Coats, LPC

We’ve all heard the typical story – new couples get together and have amazing, life-changing sex…at first. Then as the relationship progresses, sex becomes more complicated. One partner wants more, the other seems to lose interest. We call this desire discrepancy, and it is a pretty common problem to deal with in a relationship. And contrary to popular belief, it can happen for couples early in the relationship as well.

Many couples experience desire discrepancy and think that it is an issue with compatibility or that it is an indication that the relationship is in trouble. Although this may be true for some, desire discrepancy can be caused by many things. But the root of most reasons I hear from my clients as to why they experience this discrepancy is pressure. We tend to put a lot of pressure on sex…what it should be, how often we should have sex, what it should feel like, how we should be able to perform, and the list goes on and on.

The bottom line is pressure and the “shoulds” are the enemies of desire. Pressure means that we start to see sex as more of a checklist of what a legitimate sexual experience should be rather than being able to focus on the experience of enjoying your body and the body of your partner. This happens most commonly for couples when we think of sex as strictly intercourse or orgasm. When couples begin to expect these things from every sexual encounter, they end up chasing the checklist (intercourse or orgasm) and find themselves unable to be present in the moment with their partner.

Here are some other ways pressure shows up and how the internal dialogue sounds:

• “Why can’t I seem to have an orgasm? No one else I know has this problem. What is wrong with me?”

• “Sex shouldn’t be painful. I must be doing something wrong.”

• “I should be able to last way longer than that. What if she expects me to last longer than I can?”

• “We used to have sex at least a couple of times a week. We should be doing it way more often.”

When I see couples with a desire discrepancy, I first normalize that what they are experiencing is not uncommon! The media, movies, TV, and books have distorted our view of “normal” in a sexual relationship. They have contributed to all of the pressure around sex and made couples believe that if they do not fit the unattainable “norm” they show on the screen, something is wrong with the individual or the relationship. Not true!

Second, I invite couples to consider what sex means to them. Let’s broaden the definition of what contributes to a satisfying sexual experience. It is not limited to intercourse and orgasm! There is so much more to sex that tends to get overlooked.

We look forward to diving into this issue more in our upcoming workshop, Sex With The Lights On, coming Thursday, October 15th, from 8-9:30.